Celebrity Deathmatch Version 666
by Niah00
Summary: My first fan fic. Please be gentle whilst reviewing. More fun than a barrel of one-eyed monkeys!


Celebrity Deathmatch Ver. 666   
  
By: Stacie Russell  
  
Johnny: Welcome to Celebrity Deathmatch version 666! This is an action-packed day for all our fans. Right, Nick?  
  
Nick: That's right, Johnny! All of our celebs are evil or have a bad reputation, just like your mom, Johnny!  
  
Johnny: Nick, don't make me come over there! Anyway, folks, we have 5 matches for this hellacious match!   
  
Nick: Yep! And we also have a very special guest with us. He has never been beaten before, he has killed Hanson and the Spice Girls. He is: Marilyn Manson!  
  
MM: Hi. I'd just like to say this is the most f*cked up piece of sh*t I've ever done. What the f*ck is wrong with my damn agent?  
  
Johnny: Umm... okay. For our first match we have the kings of evil themselves: Vlad the Impaler versus Henry the 8th.   
  
Nick: This match should be amazing! Vlad the Impaler is the most nortorius bad guy there ever was! And Henry the 8th chopped off a lot of people's heads!  
  
Johnny: That's why we brought in specific weapons that suit the kings' diabolical schemes. For Henry the 8th, we have an axe.  
  
MM: And for Vlad, we have ten sharp poles.   
  
Nick: Hey! He stole my line.  
  
MM: What are you gonna do about it, fat boy?  
  
Nick: Fat boy?! Look at you, you pale skinny bitch!  
  
Johnny: Will you two stop it?!   
  
Nick: He started it. (Sticks his tongue out at MM)  
  
MM: Baby. (Rolls his eyes)  
  
Johnny: And here's Judge Mills, firing up the old time machine. Remember folks, Vlad and Henry are historical figures.  
  
Nick: Just like Johnny's mom.  
  
Johnny: Nick, I'm warning you!  
  
MM: Kick his ass, Gomez!  
  
Nick: Stop instegating, freaker.  
  
(The time machine opens and Henry the 8th comes out, eating a leg of lamb)  
  
MM: Now there's a fat ass! He makes Diamond look like Jennifer Aniston.  
  
Mills: Alright, Henry. Wait in your side of the ring and wait for Vlad to arrive. OK?  
  
Henry: I'm ready to lay out some medieval bitch-slapping.  
  
Nick: And Henry the 8th seems to be in an ass-kicking mood.  
  
Johnny: It will take a while for Mills to reboot the time machine, so we can goof around for a bit. Marilyn Manson, you seem pretty quiet.  
  
(MM is reading an issue of Cracked)   
  
MM: What? (Puts Cracked down)   
  
Nick: He's not even paying attention to the match!  
  
MM: There isn't a match yet, porker!  
  
(Nick's face turns bright red and his eyes light up)  
  
Nick: Shut...the...hell....up...before....I...kill...you.  
  
Johnny: ...And here's Vlad the Impaler!  
  
(Vlad walks out of the time machine)  
  
(Henry the 8th throws out the stick that held his lamb leg. It sails into the air and impales Carson Daily. The crowd cheers)  
  
(Henry and Vlad stand glaring at each other. Mills stands between them)  
  
Mills: Alright, your Highnesses. I want a good, clean fight. What the hell am I saying?! This is a deathmatch! Now let's get it on.  
  
(Bell rings)  
  
MM: And here we go. This should be cool.  
  
(Vlad picks up a pole and sticks it into the mat. It stands there, glinting)  
  
Nick: Henry better stay away from that pole!  
  
Johnny: You're right, Nick. Vlad could impale Henry the 8th and it would all be over.  
  
(Henry waddels over towards the axe and picks it up)  
  
Henry: Let's see how good you do without your head, ass monkey!  
  
(Henry swipes at Vlad's head, but Vlad ducks just in time. Vlad kicks at Henry's legs, and Henry falls over. The axe falls, too, and slices off Henry's left hand)  
  
(Crowd cheers)  
  
MM: And there goes Henry's hand! How's he gonna feel up a chick now?  
  
(Johnny and Nick shake their heads)  
  
Henry: Ow! God dammit.  
  
Vlad: They don't call me the prince of darkness for nothing, jelly roll.  
  
(Vlad picks up Henry and throws him on the spike. Henry gets impaled, his body twitching)  
  
(Blood spurts on everyone in the front row)  
  
Mills: And the winner is, Vlad the Impaler! (Vlad holds up his arms and waves)  
  
Nick: Incredible!  
  
Johnny: So Vlad wins that match and he gets to go back to his time.  
  
MM: And now here's a commercial.  
  
Nick: He stole my line again!  
  
(Commercial for Doctor Pepper)  
  
Johhny: And welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch Version 666! Our next match is Eminem versus Dr. Dre.  
  
Nick: About a week ago, at the MTV awards, Eminem forgot to give props to Dr. Dre. Let's watch the footage.  
  
(Footage plays)  
  
(Eminem is standing at the podium with the MTV award and is saying his thanks)  
  
Eminem: I would like to thank Snoop, Meow Master XXX, Elton John, and Oscar the Grouch.  
  
(Dr. Dre runs out from backstage and hits Eminem over the head)  
  
Dre: What about me, bee-otch? I was the one who signed you to my f*ckin label. You ingrateful little peroxide-haired mamma's boy!  
  
Eminem: F*ck you, Dre! I can kick your ass any day of the week.  
  
Dre: All right then, bitch-nuts. Celebrity Deathmatch. You and me.  
  
Eminem: Fine by me. (Speaks into mic) Dre is a homo fag.  
  
(Eminem runs before Dre can get to him)  
  
(Footage ends)  
  
MM: What the hell was that? I'd have hit Dre over the head with that moon man.  
  
Nick: Whatever. Anyway, here comes the king of controversy himself, Eminem!  
  
(Eminem comes out, wearing a shirt that says "Dre Sux")  
  
Eminem: Yo to all my fans out there! Eminem will never die!  
  
MM: We'll see about that.  
  
Johnny: Huh?  
  
MM: Never mind. (Grins evilly)  
  
Nick: Just stay out of the match, Satanist!  
  
Johnny: And here comes Dre!  
  
(Dr. Dre comes out wearing a shirt that says "F*ck Slim")  
  
Mills: Alright, dawgs! I don't want anyone bustin a cap in anyone's ass. Word?  
  
(Dre and Eminem nod)  
  
Mills: Then let's get it on!  
  
(Bell rings)  
  
MM: This match could take forever  
  
(Dre hits Eminem in the gut and Eminem drops to his knees)  
  
Dre: I guess the real Slim Shady can't stand up! (Kiks Eminem in the head)  
  
Nick: Oh my God! Dre is really pulverizing Eminem tonight!  
  
Johnny: That he is, Nick  
  
(Eminem gets back up shakily and runs towards Dre)  
  
Eminem: Watch this, bitch.  
  
(Eminem suddenly slams his knee into Dre's crotch)  
  
(Crowd groans)  
  
MM: I've had that move pulled on me so many times by Christians! I think I've gotten used to it.  
  
(Nick and Johnny look at MM, mouths open)  
  
(Eminem kicks Dre in the head. Dre remains motionless)  
  
Nick: Damn! Dre's getting his ass kicked worse than Hanson in a strip mall.  
  
Johnny and MM: What?!  
  
(Eminem's cell phone rings)  
  
Eminem: Son of a bitch (Digs into pocket)  
  
(Dre is still out cold)  
  
Eminem: (Holding cell phone) Hello? Mom! What, do you want to sue me again, or something?  
  
(Dre's fingers twitch)  
  
Johhny: And Dre's coming to!  
  
Eminem: (Still talking on his phone) I didn't take the trash out because I was busy cussing out Trent Reznor on MTV!  
  
(Dre suddenly gets up and grabs Eminem's cell phone)  
  
Eminem: Hey! What the f*ck?!  
  
(Dre slams the phone's antenna in Eminem's ear and yanks it out. Eminem's brain is attached to the antenna)  
  
(Eminem's eyes roll up and he falls to the mat)  
  
Mills: Here is your winner, Dr. Dre!  
  
Nick: I guess cell phones are hazardous for your health!  
  
Johnny: Ha ha ha! I guess so, Nick. I guess so.  
  
Nick: Coming up next, Alice Cooper versus Ozzy Osbourne.  
  
MM: Ozzy's an old friend of mine. I know he can kick that poser's ass!  
  
Nick: We'll be right back.  
  
(Kool-Aid commercial)  
  
Johnny: And welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch! I'm Johnny Gomez.  
  
Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond. This match will be a real head-basher, right Marilyn?  
  
MM: Of course it will be, pig! It's freakin' Ozzy Osbourne we're talking about!  
  
Johnny: And now here comes Alice Cooper!  
  
(Alice Cooper comes out with a snake around his neck)  
  
(Crowd cheers, MM boos)  
  
MM: Poser!  
  
Alice: Screw you!  
  
MM: Come over here and say it to my face, pansy!  
  
(Someone hands Nick a paper)  
  
Nick: Uh oh! It seems that Ozzy is currently in Miami doing his Ozzfest tour. This match will have to be cancelled!  
  
MM: What?! And let Alice traipse out of here? Hell, no!  
  
(MM runs to the ring and performs the Pull of Death, ripping Alice's skeleton out of his body. The snake then swallows Alice's skin)  
  
Johnny: Folks, what we've seen here today proves that evil will always find a way to shock and maim someone.  
  
Nick: And I thought we'd have to cancel the match!  
  
(MM returns to his seat)  
  
MM: Next up on Celebrity Deathmatch Version 666 is our fourth match. The Insane Clown Posse versus Slipknot!  
  
Johnny: Sweet!  
  
(Commercial for Gap)  
  
Nick: Welcome back! We are about to see clowns and people wearing spooky-looking masks beat the living hell out of each other.  
  
MM: (Holding a stack of bills) And I get paid to do it!  
  
Johnny: Hey, where's my wallet?  
  
(ICP come bouncing out and grinning) Note: I don't know ICP or Slipknot's names. I know, I suck!  
  
ICP: Hey! We've wrestled in WCW, so I think we're prepared to kick Slipknot's asses!  
  
(Crowd goes wild)  
  
Johnny: And the fans love the Insane Clown Posse.  
  
(Only one member of Slipknot comes out)  
  
Nick: Two agains one? What the hell is this?!  
  
MM: Wait a moment, that mask isn't a Slipknot mask.  
  
Johnny: It looks like Kane's mask. But he's in the WWF.  
  
MM: Unless....  
  
ICP: We're so f*cked!  
  
(Kane walks to the ring)  
  
Mills: Well, since you're so ready to fight, I'm gonna allow a handicapped match!  
  
Shaggy: Damn it!  
  
(Kane tosses back his hair)  
  
Nick: I'd hate to be ICP right now. Of course, I'm afraid of clowns. So if I WAS ICP, I'd be afraid of myself...  
  
MM: (Tries to conceal his giggling) What a homo.  
  
Mills: All right, let's get it on!  
  
(Bell rings)  
  
(Shaggy and the other one run around waving their arms and screaming)  
  
Shaggy: Where the f*ck's Vampiro when you need him?  
  
ICP: Damn his ass to hell!  
  
(Kane picks up Shaggy and chokeslams him into the turnbuckle. Shaggy's head explodes)  
  
Other ICP: S*it!   
  
(Other ICP stands on the rope and does a flying moonsault onto Kane. Kane drops and Other ICP steps on Kane's windpipe)  
  
Johnny: I don't believe it! Kane might not win this one!  
  
(The chair MM sat in is now empty)  
  
Nick: Where did Manson go? I was just getting to like him.  
  
(Kane suddenly grabs Other ICP's neck. Kane stands and lifts Other ICP up for a chokeslam)  
  
Johnny: It's all over!  
  
(MM runs to the ring and hits Kane in the back with a chair)  
  
Nick: What?!   
  
Johnny: Look at Kane!  
  
(Kane drops Other ICP and falls to the mat)  
  
(Other ICP covers him)  
  
Mills: No, you punk-ass kid! You can't pin him, you have to kill him!  
  
Other ICP: Damn!  
  
(Other ICP grabs a juggling ball from his coat. It has an evil clown face on it)  
  
(MM is in his seat again)  
  
Nick: What does he have?  
  
MM: An exploding ball.  
  
(Other ICP presses the evil clown face and jams the ball into Kane's mouth)  
  
(The crowd is silent, waiting)  
  
(Kane's body explodes)  
  
Nick: I can't believe ICP beat the Big Red Machine!  
  
Johnny: Unbelievable!  
  
(Mills kicks out Kane's smoking body out of the ring and holds up Other ICP's arm)  
  
Mills: And the winner is, ICP.  
  
(Crowd cheers)  
  
Johnny: And our final match is coming up right after this!  
  
(Commercial for AOL)  
  
Nick: And welcome to our final match of the night for Celebrity Deathmatch Version 666!  
  
Johnny: And it's the best final match for this hellacious night!  
  
MM: That's for sure.   
  
Nick: Ladies and Gentleman, the most anticipated match of this century!  
  
Johnny: Britney Spears versus Mandy Moore!  
  
(Crowd gasps)  
  
MM: Oh my God! That's the most twisted idea ever!  
  
Nick: Fans, this will certainly be a major bloodbath. If there are any young, impressionable teen girls, send them out of the room now.  
  
MM: I hate teen pop stars.  
  
Johnny: We know, Marilyn. You killed Hanson and the Spice Girls.  
  
Nick: And Ricky Martin, Garth Brooks, and Charles Manson.  
  
MM: Oh yeah! That was pretty fun to do.  
  
(Britney Spears walks out, dressed in her school girl whore outfit)  
  
Britney: I would just like to thank my fans for their wonderful support. And for my plastic surgeon who gave me bigger boobs.  
  
(Britney's breasts are so big now that they look ready to pop out of her shirt)  
  
Nick: Woah, look at those things, Johnny!  
  
Johnny: I am, Nick. (He's holding binoculars) Oooh, mama! Spank me one more time!  
  
MM: (Looking at Johnny) That's sick, dude.  
  
(Britney waits in her corner and twirls her hair)  
  
(Mandy Moore walks out, dressed conservatively. She still looks amazing, but not like the cheap slut Britney looks like)  
  
Mandy: I think it's wrong to get implants when millions of pre-teen little girls look up to you.  
  
Britney: You're just jealous I have a better career than you. I also have bigger boobs then you, you flat-chested bitch!  
  
Mandy: I'm not jealous of you, whore! I pity you.  
  
(Mills stands between the girls)  
  
Mills: All right, I want to see a good cat fight, and maybe some exposed skin!  
  
(The crowd cheers)  
  
Mills: Let's get it on!  
  
(Bell rings)  
  
Nick: And they're off!  
  
(Moore grabs Spears' hair and tugs)  
  
Britney: OW! My hair! It took me hours to fix it!  
  
Mandy: Aww. I'm sorry.... not!  
  
(Mandy then bitch-slaps Britney across the face)  
  
MM: Smack that ho!  
  
Mandy: OK, snookie!  
  
Nick: Snookie?  
  
MM: I'm going out with Mandy.  
  
(Dramatic sound) Dunnn!!!  
  
Johnny: I thought you hated pop stars.  
  
MM: I do. I just go out with her for the sex.  
  
Nick: I thought Mandy was a virgin.  
  
MM: (Laughing) Oh, yeah, right! And I'm Saint f*ckin' Christopher!  
  
(Mandy grabs Britney's nose and twists it until it snaps)  
  
Mandy: Ha!  
  
Britney: By bose! I'b gonna kick your ass, bitch!  
  
(Suddenly, the lights go out)  
  
Nick: Huh?  
  
(Crowd screams)  
  
(The lights go back on and we see that someone cut the railing off the catwalk onto Britney and Mandy)  
  
(MM stands in the ring with his chainsaw)  
  
Nick: He killed his own girlfriend!  
  
Johnny: He killed Britney! And I wanted to get her autograph.  
  
MM: (Speaking into a mic) Oh, please, like you didn't see this one coming! I'm Brian f*cking Warner, you dumb sh*ts! What the f*ck did you THINK I was gonna do? Sing "Candy"?  
  
Johnny: Well, that's all the time for tonight.  
  
Nick: I hope you enjoyed this Celebrity Deathmatch Version 666!  
  
Johnny: I'm Johnny Gomez.  
  
Nick: And I'm Nick Diamond, saying  
  
Johnny and Nick: Good fight, good night!  
  
MM: Buy my new CD, Hollywood. Or else I'll come into your houses and wear your mom's lingerie and eat all your Oreos and sing "Coma White" all f*cking day long!  
  
  
~End~  
  
++A special Interview with Stacie Russell++  
  
Q: Where did you get the idea to write a fanfic of Celebrity Deathmatch?  
  
A: Uhh... my brain. Or it could have been aliens.  
  
Q: Why did this fic suck so much?  
  
A: Because I was listening to Limp Bizkit. Blame Fred Durst.  
  
Q: How can fans contact you?  
  
A: I have fans?! No f*ckin way, dude. But just email me at offspringchica84@aol.com  
  
Q: Do you like Marilyn Manson?  
  
A: What kind of stupid-ass question is that?! Of course I do. Dumbass.  
  
Q: Are you going to write more fanfics?  
  
A: Probably not. I don't think anyone will like them. If I get requests I will.  
  
Q: Boxers or breifs?  
  
A: I'm a f*cking girl!  
  
Q: Do you think that MTV will sue you for this fanfic?  
  
A: No. They don't own C.D. anymore. UPN does.  
  
Q: Are you single?  
  
A: Umm... yeah. I live in Indiana though. God Indy sux ass.   
  
Q: Are you bored with this interview yet?  
  
A: Yes.  
  
Q: Thanks for this interview. Anything else you'd like to add?  
  
A: Scott Baio is the Antichrist! 


End file.
